The Divorce Registry- An Idea Whose Time Has Come

I was in a department store today with a couple of friends. I’ve always sort of viewed the department store as a flyover venue, sort of like New Yorkers view the Midwest. For me, it was that place you walked through on your way to the other place —the place with the electronics, or the gadgets, or the food court. Anyway, there were three of us on this journey, one being female. The female in our group is anticipating some sort of upcoming ritual that involves a minister, cake, and a lousy cover band. Oh, and when it’s over, she’ll be married.

One of the other traditions of this ritual is the Bridal Registry, which brings us to the reason we were stopped in the department store. She felt the need to explain the many benefits of Fiestaware to two guys who are a little less discerning about what flat disc holds their food. Of course, I had to pause and tip my hat to the makers of Fiestaware. It occurred to me that if I was selling a product with that much markup, I would put a word that means “party” in the name as well.

Anyway, it took me all of 30 seconds to lose focus on how the plates would match this curtain or that bath towel or whatever plates need to match in order for the house to be a home. It was at this point that lightning struck, inspiration arrived, and I decided I might be a genius. If 50% of all marriages end in divorce, why don’t we have divorce registries? Let’s face it, gifts when you’re feeling lousy are probably more appreciated and effective than when you’re lovestruck and on the way to the altar.

So, I’ve been working on the Divorce Registry. This is a list of products you might want to add to your own registry if you’re facing the D word.

For Men:

1. Pajamas with feet-  She made you get rid of these when you got engaged. It may be a while before you have a lady friend back to your place, inasmuch as your Match.com profile is riddled with bitterness and a picture of you eating jerky. So indulge.
2. Super Recliner- Add this to your list for sure! Accessorize it with a nacho dispenser and a dorm fridge.
3. (Insert Sports Team Name) Jersey- She made you get rid of your favorite jersey during that year-six-of-the-marriage-makeover. You found yourself watching Queer Eye for the Straight guy and trying to dress less like the before and more like the after. Didn’t help, did it? The NFL season is just around the corner…
4. XBox 360 or Playstation 3- Remember the fight you had during New Year’s Eve 2006? The one where she used all your PS3 games as a coasters? Then you just gave up on the gaming life and sold your gaming system at a garage sale. Guess what, it’s time to get back in the game. There is no one to yell at you for playing Madden until 4am while double fisting Rockstar Energy drinks.
5. Lord of the Rings Blue Ray Edition- Let’s face it, you were a closet nerd your entire marriage. You really wanted to go see LOTR when she wanted to see Bridget Jones, Love Actually, and every GD Hugh Grant movie ever made. It’s your time. Get your Middle Earth on!

For Women

1. A subscription to Match.com, eHarmony, etc.-  Your confidence in men has been shattered. But, deep down there’s a 15 to 20% chance in your mind that Mr. Right is out there. Online dating will successfully eliminate that last percentage. You’ll hear from pervs, psychos, and men who still live with their mothers. And if there’s still a 1% chance you still have hope, just click on my profile. You’ll probably become a nun.
2. A handyman- Over the course of your marriage, your ex never got around to fixing that roof, toilet, or the noises your plumbing makes when you run the shower and the dish washer at the same time. Maybe he did try to fix it and it now is covered in duct tape and cardboard and sometimes emits smoke. You got the house in the divorce, time to call a professional to fix all the stuff he was too cheap to repair.
3. New cable package- You love the Colts, but you don’t really give a damn about the Carolina vs. Arizona game. Time to cancel the NFL network. And for that matter, drop Cinemax and get Showtime. You like Trueblood and he only watched Cinemax for the soft porn anyway.
4. Full body massage- The last few years of your marriage were stressful. Did you know you can pay someone to give you a massage? They will even do your toes if you want/need! It’s in a clean room with aroma therapy and pleasant music —as opposed to the last time he gave you a massage in room with Metallica playing, smelling like Keystone beer, and ending in the phrase, “now you do me.”
5. New bedding and towels- Ever since he helped move his college roommate, your towels and comforter have had permanent stains and tears due to him wrapping his buddy’s vintage Pac-Man machine  in them. Besides they were purchased by your mother-in-law during that trip to Bed, Bath, & Beyond when you just wanted her to shut up about the way you raise your kids. Add a new set to your list and have a bonfire with the old ones!

So, there you have a good start to the Divorce Registry. Feel free to post your own ideas. And remember, even though 50% of all marriages end in divorce, 100% of my posts on this website end in…

Carry on, Citizens!