We here at Godzilla’s Citizen Hideout (the Official Home of Carry On, Citizens!) are always looking for ways we can serve the greater good and help our fellow man (and our fellow woman). During today’s staff meeting, my pet moose suggested that I write a dating advice column. Now, I don’t know what’s more preposterous: that he suggested I write a dating column or that you’ve read COC all these years and didn’t know I had a talking moose.
Anyway, I started thinking about it and it occurred to me that over the past few decades magazines like Cosmo and Elle for women along with Maxim and GQ for men have been spewing out dating advice. An estimated 20 million people visit dating sites each month. Yet, the divorce rate is still higher than in the 80’s. Obviously, we Americans are woefully incompetent at picking mates. So, if you’re going to get advice that probably won’t work anyway, why not get it for free here instead of paying the cover price of the aforementioned magazines?
And with that we begin a new weekly feature: The Dating Idiot. Each week I will try to answer your dating questions in a way that may or may not work, but will be completely free, confidential, and hopefully will not lead to litigation. So here are this week’s questions:
Mark in Brownsburg writes:
Dear Dating Idiot,
I’ve been seeing “Mary” for about 6 weeks. Do you think it’s too soon to build a couch fort with her?
Mark,
Couch forts are part of that special circle of awesome that includes playoff tickets, 20 cent wing night, and roller coasters. However, adulthood seems to take the couch fort joy out of most people. They have to wait until they have kids or nieces or nephews to build them. Of course, finding adults to build couch forts with you is awesome but you have to risk asking and having them look at you the way they do when you break out the pajamas with feet (not that I personally own any).
So, you have to be very sure you want to ask your significant other if she’s up for building a couch fort. Luckily, there’s a good way to tell how it’s going to go. Ask yourself, has she ever dressed up in a costume for me at any other time besides Halloween? If the answer is yes, then ask yourself what type of costume was it: cute and playful, sexy and sophisticated, or predominately leather? If it was cute and playful, she’ll probably be okay with building a couch fort. If it was sexy and sophisticated, she’s not going to be down with the fort. If it was mostly leather, there’s going to be a dungeon in that fort and you might want to pass!
Finally, if you’re girlfriend is cool enough to build a couch fort with you, put a rock on her finger! She’s a keeper!
Dave in Greenwood writes:
Dear Dating Idiot,
My girlfriend made me go to a lot of weddings this summer. How can I save money on presents? She’s got a huge family and at least 5 cousins are getting married next summer.
Dave,
Don’t despair! We have you covered. Just buy a card and tape a piece of torn silver wrapping paper to it. Keep the paper covered when you pick up your girlfriend and she will think you got them a gift card. When you get to the church, toss it on the pile of gifts. The happy couple will think it got separated from the gift and send you a rather vague thank you note! Just buy 5 greeting cards and one sheet of silver wrapping paper and you’re good to go for the 2012 wedding season!
So, make sure to send in your dating questions! If we use it in a post, we’ll send you a free t-shirt!
Carry on, Citizens!
