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Carry On Citizens

The Hotel West Virginia

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You’ve heard the phrase “pay it forward?” This isn’t one of those stories. This is “pain it forward” story. Maybe after you read it, you can relate.

So, I’m checking into a hotel in Morgantown, West Virginia. After the usual presenting of the identification, dispensing of the keys, and whatnot, the person helping stepped from behind the counter to point out the elevator and amenities. When she got to the fitness facilities, things went off the rails. She went from “the elevators are over there to the left,” to saying, “and if you’re interested,” paused, glanced me up and down, “we have a fitness center.”

She didn’t even bother to tell me where it was! She was so sure I wouldn’t get anywhere near there, that she skipped the directions. Now, of course, I wasn’t planning to go, but she didn’t know that. And yes, I’m out of shape. But for all she knew, I could have been halfway to some spectacular weight loss goal (I’m not).

Now what honked me off even more was there was a woman in line next to me who got a completely different treatment. She looked like a fitness model. She was even wearing fitness apparel! The guy helping her practically offered to escort to the gym, hold the towel, and punch the buttons on the treadmill for her. [Read more…] about The Hotel West Virginia

America’s Most Dangerous Communicable Disease

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Last week I went to Penn Station for lunch. Since then I’ve been hiding out mostly. Trying to keep out of public places and away from people. There’s a dangerous bug going around and it’s infecting people of all races, creeds, orientations, and shoe size. This illness I speak of, the one that keeps me up at night: stupidity.

The guy in line behind me argued with the young lady behind the register because he didn’t feel he was given an option for a cold vs hot sub. He said the option wasn’t given to him by the person who took his order and he wanted a cold sub. The sub he ordered: The Philly Cheesesteak. Who the hell orders a COLD Philly cheesesteak? How does one make a COLD Phily? Do you serve it raw? (Remember, Penn Station grills the meat to order). Do you cook it and then let it sit for a half hour? Do you throw it in the fridge? What kind of person orders such a thing?

(I want to go on record before moving any further and state that the employee did a monumental job of showing both patience and restraint in the face of wanton pinheadery. She deserves to be Employee of the Month. Had I been behind the counter, I might have been tempted to waterboard him with the fresh squeezed lemonade.) 

After her initial explanation to him, I didn’t stick around to learn the outcome. This affliction he was carrying is catching. I wanted out of there as fast as I could. As much as I wanted to help the girl explain to him the physics of the oven that his sandwich was already in or the dangers of raw meat being consumed with his cheese, peppers, and onions, I had to go.

I feel I made the right choice. When it comes to you and your brain, it’s every man, woman, and whatever sentient being Miley Cyrus believes she is this week, for his, her, or itself. Besides, the headlines are full of stupid this week. A couple of YouTubers decided to up their ratings by seeing if a book could stop a bullet. Spoiler alert, the bullet won.

It has infected the radio industry this week as well. A music coordinator from an LA radio station contacted Annie Lennox and told her that she “had potential” and she should send her an mp3 for her program director to have a listen. Dear God! I’m not even an Annie Lennox fan and I’m appalled.

And do I have to even go into what’s going on in Washington DC? Sorry folks but every person running around with either a D or an R next to their names have completely lost their minds! Stupidity is America’s number one communicable disease. So avoid stupid. Or you will become stupid! Now, I have to go reheat my Philly Cheesesteak.

Carry on, Citizens!

The Dating Idiot: (Kiss, Shake Hands, or Headbutt)

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This week’s letter comes from Mark in Beech Grove:

Dear Dating Idiot: I’m never quite sure how to end a first date. Should I always try for the kiss or should I settle on a hug?

Dear Mark,
This is an excellent question and one that many of your fellow readers want to know. There are basically 4 ways you can end the date: kiss, hug, shake hands, head butt. [Read more…] about The Dating Idiot: (Kiss, Shake Hands, or Headbutt)

The Dating Idiot (I Just Want To Be Friends)

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This week’s Dating Idiot letter comes from Alan in Irvington:

Dear Dating Idiot,

My girlfriend dumped me over the weekend and she said she still wants to be friends. Does she really want to be friends or is she just trying to let me down easy?

Alan: When a girl says she want to be friends, what she really means is she that even though she just eviscerated your heart, she doesn’t want you to be mad at her to the point that you tell all your mutual friends what a mean person she really is. The thought of you telling her friends that she should be seeing a whole team of psychiatrists is a little off-putting for her and she would rather you think nicely of her. Besides, she probably thinks the “friend” thing will keep you marginally interested in the possibility that she may change your mind. And she will encourage that thinking by reinforcing that she wants to be friends. And, she really means it —inasmuch as you don’t call her, suggest you hang out, or IM her on Facebook. So, to sum up Alan, she really doesn’t want to be your friend. And with that, I need to end this blog post. But, we can still be friends…

Remember to send in your dating questions! If we use it in a post, we’ll send you a free t-shirt!

Carry on, Citizens!

The Dating Idiot (Couch Forts and Weddings)

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We here at Godzilla’s Citizen Hideout (the Official Home of Carry On, Citizens!) are always looking for ways we can serve the greater good and help our fellow man (and our fellow woman). During today’s staff meeting, my pet moose suggested that I write a dating advice column. Now, I don’t know what’s more preposterous: that he suggested I write a dating column or that you’ve read COC all these years and didn’t know I had a talking moose. [Read more…] about The Dating Idiot (Couch Forts and Weddings)

The Divorce Registry- An Idea Whose Time Has Come

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I was in a department store today with a couple of friends. I’ve always sort of viewed the department store as a flyover venue, sort of like New Yorkers view the Midwest. For me, it was that place you walked through on your way to the other place —the place with the electronics, or the gadgets, or the food court. Anyway, there were three of us on this journey, one being female. The female in our group is anticipating some sort of upcoming ritual that involves a minister, cake, and a lousy cover band. Oh, and when it’s over, she’ll be married.

One of the other traditions of this ritual is the Bridal Registry, which brings us to the reason we were stopped in the department store. She felt the need to explain the many benefits of Fiestaware to two guys who are a little less discerning about what flat disc holds their food. Of course, I had to pause and tip my hat to the makers of Fiestaware. It occurred to me that if I was selling a product with that much markup, I would put a word that means “party” in the name as well.

Anyway, it took me all of 30 seconds to lose focus on how the plates would match this curtain or that bath towel or whatever plates need to match in order for the house to be a home. It was at this point that lightning struck, inspiration arrived, and I decided I might be a genius. If 50% of all marriages end in divorce, why don’t we have divorce registries? Let’s face it, gifts when you’re feeling lousy are probably more appreciated and effective than when you’re lovestruck and on the way to the altar.

So, I’ve been working on the Divorce Registry. This is a list of products you might want to add to your own registry if you’re facing the D word.

For Men:

  1. Pajamas with feet-  She made you get rid of these when you got engaged. It may be a while before you have a lady friend back to your place, inasmuch as your Match.com profile is riddled with bitterness and a picture of you eating jerky. So indulge.
  2. Super Recliner- Add this to your list for sure! Accessorize it with a nacho dispenser and a dorm fridge.
  3. (Insert Sports Team Name) Jersey- She made you get rid of your favorite jersey during that year-six-of-the-marriage-makeover. You found yourself watching Queer Eye for the Straight guy and trying to dress less like the before and more like the after. Didn’t help, did it? The NFL season is just around the corner…
  4. XBox 360 or Playstation 3- Remember the fight you had during New Year’s Eve 2006? The one where she used all your PS3 games as a coasters? Then you just gave up on the gaming life and sold your gaming system at a garage sale. Guess what, it’s time to get back in the game. There is no one to yell at you for playing Madden until 4am while double fisting Rockstar Energy drinks.
  5. Lord of the Rings Blue Ray Edition- Let’s face it, you were a closet nerd your entire marriage. You really wanted to go see LOTR when she wanted to see Bridget Jones, Love Actually, and every GD Hugh Grant movie ever made. It’s your time. Get your Middle Earth on!

For Women

  1. A subscription to Match.com, eHarmony, etc.-  Your confidence in men has been shattered. But, deep down there’s a 15 to 20% chance in your mind that Mr. Right is out there. Online dating will successfully eliminate that last percentage. You’ll hear from pervs, psychos, and men who still live with their mothers. And if there’s still a 1% chance you still have hope, just click on my profile. You’ll probably become a nun.
  2. A handyman- Over the course of your marriage, your ex never got around to fixing that roof, toilet, or the noises your plumbing makes when you run the shower and the dish washer at the same time. Maybe he did try to fix it and it now is covered in duct tape and cardboard and sometimes emits smoke. You got the house in the divorce, time to call a professional to fix all the stuff he was too cheap to repair.
  3. New cable package- You love the Colts, but you don’t really give a damn about the Carolina vs. Arizona game. Time to cancel the NFL network. And for that matter, drop Cinemax and get Showtime. You like Trueblood and he only watched Cinemax for the soft porn anyway.
  4. Full body massage- The last few years of your marriage were stressful. Did you know you can pay someone to give you a massage? They will even do your toes if you want/need! It’s in a clean room with aroma therapy and pleasant music —as opposed to the last time he gave you a massage in room with Metallica playing, smelling like Keystone beer, and ending in the phrase, “now you do me.”
  5. New bedding and towels- Ever since he helped move his college roommate, your towels and comforter have had permanent stains and tears due to him wrapping his buddy’s vintage Pac-Man machine  in them. Besides they were purchased by your mother-in-law during that trip to Bed, Bath, & Beyond when you just wanted her to shut up about the way you raise your kids. Add a new set to your list and have a bonfire with the old ones!

So, there you have a good start to the Divorce Registry. Feel free to post your own ideas. And remember, even though 50% of all marriages end in divorce, 100% of my posts on this website end in…

Carry on, Citizens!

Deep Fried Citizens!

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If you like your events dipped in batter and fried to a golden brown, the State Fair is almost here! The event’s organizers are calling this the Year of Soybeans. I wonder if they will try to deep fry them. Let’s face it, that wouldn’t be the most ridiculous deep fried thing sold there. We had the deep fried Oreos, the deep fried Pepsi (I still can’t figure that one out), and deep fried Twinkies.

This year they are promoting deep fried Ice Cream. Why? Are we trying to reminisce about the days when nothing said Hoosier and Mexican food like an evening at Chi Chi’s? Seriously, State Fair organizers. Let’s step up our game! I even caught wind of the possibility of deep fried tofu at this year’s event. When I heard the news, I wept openly.

Think about it: deep fried ice cream, deep fried tofu, and the Year of the Soybeans. This, my dear Citizens, is called anti-marketing. Clearly they are trying to drive people away from the Fair. Clearly, there’s something really cool they don’t want to let just anyone in on. Clearly, there’s going to be an end to this paragraph filled with sentences beginning with clearly.

I think we are in for a surprise. Somebody over at the Fair is planning something over-the-top. Maybe it will be deep fried hot pockets. Maybe they will have Whitesnake performing live at the Tilt-A-Whirl. Maybe Chris Angel will turn the Blue Ribbon pig into an instant platter of bacon and ribs using magic and spork. And maybe, for no apparent reason, Bonnie Bernstein will decide she wants fair food, fly to Indiana, and find herself in line in front of me. And as she turns around, holding her deep fried ice cream, I will look her in the eyes and say…

Carry on, Citizens!

Stay Classy, Connersville!

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Connersville, Indiana made national news this week. And not for a good reason either. It seems they have their own version of water polo and it’s illegal. According to a WISH-TV report, a couple was charged for public indecency for having sex in a public pool. During the day. With LOTS of people around! Now, I have so many questions I don’t know where to begin. But begin I will, because this is just the sort of hard news you’ve come to expect me to comment on!

So, let’s start with the details of the story. The report says that the couple was having sex for a half hour before somebody complained. This raises a couple of questions: Who timed it? And, what happened around minute 30 that so offended the onlookers that they complained. They were obviously not troubled by the first 29 minutes of the show. Am I the only one troubled by this?

The next question is obvious: Is chlorine a spermicide? I’m not trying to be crass here, but if this woman gets pregnant, the poor kid has way more than three strikes against him/her. “Where did you meet mommy?”  “In the deep end, son.”

And speaking of strikes, I’ve got the perfect actors to portray them, when (not if) Lifetime turns this into a movie. Not since Michael “Squints” Palledorous kissed Wendy Peffercorn in The Sandlot have we seen such romance associated with a public bathing facility. I say bring Chauncey Leopardi and Marley Shelton back together to play the Connersville couple.

Finally, I’m troubled by the fact that this happened in a public pool. I had enough trouble with the ocean after Jaws 1 and 2. Jaws 3 actually got me to go back in the ocean. It was so bad, I wanted to be eaten by a shark. So I won’t be visiting any public pools in the near future. At least not on the 1st date.

Carry on, Citizens!

You Can’t Beat A Dead Horse…

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… but you can shoot a dead Camaro. Well, except in Arizona, where they frown on that sort of thing. It seems that Lauriano Lawrence Lovato, frustrated by the alliteration of his name and the fact that his car wouldn’t start, shot his car. Twice. Both shots went through the windshield and hit the dashboard. [Read more…] about You Can’t Beat A Dead Horse…

French Toast

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B-sides, outtakes and unreleased material. Sometimes stuff doesn’t make it into an movie or an album. The same thing happens with blogs for whatever reason. I was piddling around tonight and discovered some material that was started and never made it into a blog post. This particular one was from a series I was doing on the history of breakfast. As you will read, it was heavily researched and 100% factual. So without further adieu (’cause we don’t go for that sort of thing), here is a Carry On Citizens Outtake on French Toast. [Read more…] about French Toast