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This week’s letter comes from Mark in Beech Grove:
Dear Dating Idiot: I’m never quite sure how to end a first date. Should I always try for the kiss or should I settle on a hug?
Dear Mark,
This is an excellent question and one that many of your fellow readers want to know. There are basically 4 ways you can end the date: kiss, hug, shake hands, head butt. [Read more…] about The Dating Idiot: (Kiss, Shake Hands, or Headbutt)
This week’s Dating Idiot letter comes from Alan in Irvington:
Dear Dating Idiot,
My girlfriend dumped me over the weekend and she said she still wants to be friends. Does she really want to be friends or is she just trying to let me down easy?
Alan: When a girl says she want to be friends, what she really means is she that even though she just eviscerated your heart, she doesn’t want you to be mad at her to the point that you tell all your mutual friends what a mean person she really is. The thought of you telling her friends that she should be seeing a whole team of psychiatrists is a little off-putting for her and she would rather you think nicely of her. Besides, she probably thinks the “friend” thing will keep you marginally interested in the possibility that she may change your mind. And she will encourage that thinking by reinforcing that she wants to be friends. And, she really means it —inasmuch as you don’t call her, suggest you hang out, or IM her on Facebook. So, to sum up Alan, she really doesn’t want to be your friend. And with that, I need to end this blog post. But, we can still be friends…
Remember to send in your dating questions! If we use it in a post, we’ll send you a free t-shirt!
Carry on, Citizens!
We here at Godzilla’s Citizen Hideout (the Official Home of Carry On, Citizens!) are always looking for ways we can serve the greater good and help our fellow man (and our fellow woman). During today’s staff meeting, my pet moose suggested that I write a dating advice column. Now, I don’t know what’s more preposterous: that he suggested I write a dating column or that you’ve read COC all these years and didn’t know I had a talking moose.
[Read more…] about The Dating Idiot (Couch Forts and Weddings)
I was in a department store today with a couple of friends. I’ve always sort of viewed the department store as a flyover venue, sort of like New Yorkers view the Midwest. For me, it was that place you walked through on your way to the other place —the place with the electronics, or the gadgets, or the food court. Anyway, there were three of us on this journey, one being female. The female in our group is anticipating some sort of upcoming ritual that involves a minister, cake, and a lousy cover band. Oh, and when it’s over, she’ll be married.
One of the other traditions of this ritual is the Bridal Registry, which brings us to the reason we were stopped in the department store. She felt the need to explain the many benefits of Fiestaware to two guys who are a little less discerning about what flat disc holds their food. Of course, I had to pause and tip my hat to the makers of Fiestaware. It occurred to me that if I was selling a product with that much markup, I would put a word that means “party” in the name as well.
Anyway, it took me all of 30 seconds to lose focus on how the plates would match this curtain or that bath towel or whatever plates need to match in order for the house to be a home. It was at this point that lightning struck, inspiration arrived, and I decided I might be a genius. If 50% of all marriages end in divorce, why don’t we have divorce registries? Let’s face it, gifts when you’re feeling lousy are probably more appreciated and effective than when you’re lovestruck and on the way to the altar.
So, I’ve been working on the Divorce Registry. This is a list of products you might want to add to your own registry if you’re facing the D word.
For Men:
For Women
So, there you have a good start to the Divorce Registry. Feel free to post your own ideas. And remember, even though 50% of all marriages end in divorce, 100% of my posts on this website end in…
Carry on, Citizens!
If you like your events dipped in batter and fried to a golden brown, the State Fair is almost here! The event’s organizers are calling this the Year of Soybeans. I wonder if they will try to deep fry them. Let’s face it, that wouldn’t be the most ridiculous deep fried thing sold there. We had the deep fried Oreos, the deep fried Pepsi (I still can’t figure that one out), and deep fried Twinkies.
This year they are promoting deep fried Ice Cream. Why? Are we trying to reminisce about the days when nothing said Hoosier and Mexican food like an evening at Chi Chi’s? Seriously, State Fair organizers. Let’s step up our game! I even caught wind of the possibility of deep fried tofu at this year’s event. When I heard the news, I wept openly.
Think about it: deep fried ice cream, deep fried tofu, and the Year of the Soybeans. This, my dear Citizens, is called anti-marketing. Clearly they are trying to drive people away from the Fair. Clearly, there’s something really cool they don’t want to let just anyone in on. Clearly, there’s going to be an end to this paragraph filled with sentences beginning with clearly.
I think we are in for a surprise. Somebody over at the Fair is planning something over-the-top. Maybe it will be deep fried hot pockets. Maybe they will have Whitesnake performing live at the Tilt-A-Whirl. Maybe Chris Angel will turn the Blue Ribbon pig into an instant platter of bacon and ribs using magic and spork. And maybe, for no apparent reason, Bonnie Bernstein will decide she wants fair food, fly to Indiana, and find herself in line in front of me. And as she turns around, holding her deep fried ice cream, I will look her in the eyes and say…
Carry on, Citizens!
Connersville, Indiana made national news this week. And not for a good reason either. It seems they have their own version of water polo and it’s illegal. According to a WISH-TV report, a couple was charged for public indecency for having sex in a public pool. During the day. With LOTS of people around! Now, I have so many questions I don’t know where to begin. But begin I will, because this is just the sort of hard news you’ve come to expect me to comment on!
So, let’s start with the details of the story. The report says that the couple was having sex for a half hour before somebody complained. This raises a couple of questions: Who timed it? And, what happened around minute 30 that so offended the onlookers that they complained. They were obviously not troubled by the first 29 minutes of the show. Am I the only one troubled by this?
The next question is obvious: Is chlorine a spermicide? I’m not trying to be crass here, but if this woman gets pregnant, the poor kid has way more than three strikes against him/her. “Where did you meet mommy?” “In the deep end, son.”
And speaking of strikes, I’ve got the perfect actors to portray them, when (not if) Lifetime turns this into a movie. Not since Michael “Squints” Palledorous kissed Wendy Peffercorn in The Sandlot have we seen such romance associated with a public bathing facility. I say bring Chauncey Leopardi and Marley Shelton back together to play the Connersville couple.
Finally, I’m troubled by the fact that this happened in a public pool. I had enough trouble with the ocean after Jaws 1 and 2. Jaws 3 actually got me to go back in the ocean. It was so bad, I wanted to be eaten by a shark. So I won’t be visiting any public pools in the near future. At least not on the 1st date.
Carry on, Citizens!
… but you can shoot a dead Camaro. Well, except in Arizona, where they frown on that sort of thing. It seems that Lauriano Lawrence Lovato, frustrated by the alliteration of his name and the fact that his car wouldn’t start, shot his car. Twice. Both shots went through the windshield and hit the dashboard. [Read more…] about You Can’t Beat A Dead Horse…
B-sides, outtakes and unreleased material. Sometimes stuff doesn’t make it into an movie or an album. The same thing happens with blogs for whatever reason. I was piddling around tonight and discovered some material that was started and never made it into a blog post. This particular one was from a series I was doing on the history of breakfast. As you will read, it was heavily researched and 100% factual. So without further adieu (’cause we don’t go for that sort of thing), here is a Carry On Citizens Outtake on French Toast. [Read more…] about French Toast
One day, an enterprising young man decided to host a tweetup. He walked proudly into his kitchen and announced to his wife, “I’m going to host a tweetup!”
“What’s a tweetup?” asked his wife.
“It’s a social event, where people mix and mingle and tweet for hours. And, they share a hashtag,” he answered.
“Umm, you’re married now. The only person you’re sharing a hashtag with is me.” [Read more…] about Tweetup Tales (Part 1)
When I was in college (for nearly a decade), being photographed face down in public usually was associated with some sort of consumption. Leave it to Taiwanese college girls to turn it into some sort of artistic “cause” driven activity! Is nothing beyond the reach of political correctness?
Anyway, “planking” as it is known in Taiwan, China, and Australia is becoming quite popular. Apparently you just lie face down and get your picture taken. This is somehow viewed as artistic and deep and brings awareness to a variety of serious world issues such as pet overpopulation, climate change, and fears of another Twilight movie.
Yet, being the civic minded chap that I am, I began to think about how I could use planking to call attention to the serious issues here in Indianapolis. For starters, I could plank in front of Conseco Fieldhouse to draw attention to the fact that the Pacers haven’t been relevant since Reggie Miller retired. Or, I could plank on Monument Circle, and call attention to the fact that there isn’t one statue of Jim Gaffigan anywhere in this state!
According to Reuters, one of the Taiwanese plankers said, “It’s not really that difficult to plank and I really don’t mind getting dirty.” Have we fallen this far? I mean let’s face it, Americans get a lot of grief for being couch potatoes, but at least we still have the gumption to get out into the streets with signs and march for heaven’s sake! Protesting by lying face down on the ground? That’s the ultimate slacktivism!
Carry on, Citizens!