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The Divorce Registry- An Idea Whose Time Has Come
I was in a department store today with a couple of friends. I’ve always sort of viewed the department store as a flyover venue, sort of like New Yorkers view the Midwest. For me, it was that place you walked through on your way to the other place —the place with the electronics, or the gadgets, or the food court. Anyway, there were three of us on this journey, one being female. The female in our group is anticipating some sort of upcoming ritual that involves a minister, cake, and a lousy cover band. Oh, and when it’s over, she’ll be married.
One of the other traditions of this ritual is the Bridal Registry, which brings us to the reason we were stopped in the department store. She felt the need to explain the many benefits of Fiestaware to two guys who are a little less discerning about what flat disc holds their food. Of course, I had to pause and tip my hat to the makers of Fiestaware. It occurred to me that if I was selling a product with that much markup, I would put a word that means “party” in the name as well.
Anyway, it took me all of 30 seconds to lose focus on how the plates would match this curtain or that bath towel or whatever plates need to match in order for the house to be a home. It was at this point that lightning struck, inspiration arrived, and I decided I might be a genius. If 50% of all marriages end in divorce, why don’t we have divorce registries? Let’s face it, gifts when you’re feeling lousy are probably more appreciated and effective than when you’re lovestruck and on the way to the altar.
So, I’ve been working on the Divorce Registry. This is a list of products you might want to add to your own registry if you’re facing the D word.
For Men:
- Pajamas with feet- She made you get rid of these when you got engaged. It may be a while before you have a lady friend back to your place, inasmuch as your Match.com profile is riddled with bitterness and a picture of you eating jerky. So indulge.
- Super Recliner- Add this to your list for sure! Accessorize it with a nacho dispenser and a dorm fridge.
- (Insert Sports Team Name) Jersey- She made you get rid of your favorite jersey during that year-six-of-the-marriage-makeover. You found yourself watching Queer Eye for the Straight guy and trying to dress less like the before and more like the after. Didn’t help, did it? The NFL season is just around the corner…
- XBox 360 or Playstation 3- Remember the fight you had during New Year’s Eve 2006? The one where she used all your PS3 games as a coasters? Then you just gave up on the gaming life and sold your gaming system at a garage sale. Guess what, it’s time to get back in the game. There is no one to yell at you for playing Madden until 4am while double fisting Rockstar Energy drinks.
- Lord of the Rings Blue Ray Edition- Let’s face it, you were a closet nerd your entire marriage. You really wanted to go see LOTR when she wanted to see Bridget Jones, Love Actually, and every GD Hugh Grant movie ever made. It’s your time. Get your Middle Earth on!
For Women
- A subscription to Match.com, eHarmony, etc.- Your confidence in men has been shattered. But, deep down there’s a 15 to 20% chance in your mind that Mr. Right is out there. Online dating will successfully eliminate that last percentage. You’ll hear from pervs, psychos, and men who still live with their mothers. And if there’s still a 1% chance you still have hope, just click on my profile. You’ll probably become a nun.
- A handyman- Over the course of your marriage, your ex never got around to fixing that roof, toilet, or the noises your plumbing makes when you run the shower and the dish washer at the same time. Maybe he did try to fix it and it now is covered in duct tape and cardboard and sometimes emits smoke. You got the house in the divorce, time to call a professional to fix all the stuff he was too cheap to repair.
- New cable package- You love the Colts, but you don’t really give a damn about the Carolina vs. Arizona game. Time to cancel the NFL network. And for that matter, drop Cinemax and get Showtime. You like Trueblood and he only watched Cinemax for the soft porn anyway.
- Full body massage- The last few years of your marriage were stressful. Did you know you can pay someone to give you a massage? They will even do your toes if you want/need! It’s in a clean room with aroma therapy and pleasant music —as opposed to the last time he gave you a massage in room with Metallica playing, smelling like Keystone beer, and ending in the phrase, “now you do me.”
- New bedding and towels- Ever since he helped move his college roommate, your towels and comforter have had permanent stains and tears due to him wrapping his buddy’s vintage Pac-Man machine in them. Besides they were purchased by your mother-in-law during that trip to Bed, Bath, & Beyond when you just wanted her to shut up about the way you raise your kids. Add a new set to your list and have a bonfire with the old ones!
So, there you have a good start to the Divorce Registry. Feel free to post your own ideas. And remember, even though 50% of all marriages end in divorce, 100% of my posts on this website end in…
Carry on, Citizens!
Deep Fried Citizens!
If you like your events dipped in batter and fried to a golden brown, the State Fair is almost here! The event’s organizers are calling this the Year of Soybeans. I wonder if they will try to deep fry them. Let’s face it, that wouldn’t be the most ridiculous deep fried thing sold there. We had the deep fried Oreos, the deep fried Pepsi (I still can’t figure that one out), and deep fried Twinkies.
This year they are promoting deep fried Ice Cream. Why? Are we trying to reminisce about the days when nothing said Hoosier and Mexican food like an evening at Chi Chi’s? Seriously, State Fair organizers. Let’s step up our game! I even caught wind of the possibility of deep fried tofu at this year’s event. When I heard the news, I wept openly.
Think about it: deep fried ice cream, deep fried tofu, and the Year of the Soybeans. This, my dear Citizens, is called anti-marketing. Clearly they are trying to drive people away from the Fair. Clearly, there’s something really cool they don’t want to let just anyone in on. Clearly, there’s going to be an end to this paragraph filled with sentences beginning with clearly.
I think we are in for a surprise. Somebody over at the Fair is planning something over-the-top. Maybe it will be deep fried hot pockets. Maybe they will have Whitesnake performing live at the Tilt-A-Whirl. Maybe Chris Angel will turn the Blue Ribbon pig into an instant platter of bacon and ribs using magic and spork. And maybe, for no apparent reason, Bonnie Bernstein will decide she wants fair food, fly to Indiana, and find herself in line in front of me. And as she turns around, holding her deep fried ice cream, I will look her in the eyes and say…
Carry on, Citizens!
Stay Classy, Connersville!
Connersville, Indiana made national news this week. And not for a good reason either. It seems they have their own version of water polo and it’s illegal. According to a WISH-TV report, a couple was charged for public indecency for having sex in a public pool. During the day. With LOTS of people around! Now, I have so many questions I don’t know where to begin. But begin I will, because this is just the sort of hard news you’ve come to expect me to comment on!
So, let’s start with the details of the story. The report says that the couple was having sex for a half hour before somebody complained. This raises a couple of questions: Who timed it? And, what happened around minute 30 that so offended the onlookers that they complained. They were obviously not troubled by the first 29 minutes of the show. Am I the only one troubled by this?
The next question is obvious: Is chlorine a spermicide? I’m not trying to be crass here, but if this woman gets pregnant, the poor kid has way more than three strikes against him/her. “Where did you meet mommy?” “In the deep end, son.”
And speaking of strikes, I’ve got the perfect actors to portray them, when (not if) Lifetime turns this into a movie. Not since Michael “Squints” Palledorous kissed Wendy Peffercorn in The Sandlot have we seen such romance associated with a public bathing facility. I say bring Chauncey Leopardi and Marley Shelton back together to play the Connersville couple.
Finally, I’m troubled by the fact that this happened in a public pool. I had enough trouble with the ocean after Jaws 1 and 2. Jaws 3 actually got me to go back in the ocean. It was so bad, I wanted to be eaten by a shark. So I won’t be visiting any public pools in the near future. At least not on the 1st date.
Carry on, Citizens!
You Can’t Beat A Dead Horse…
… but you can shoot a dead Camaro. Well, except in Arizona, where they frown on that sort of thing. It seems that Lauriano Lawrence Lovato, frustrated by the alliteration of his name and the fact that his car wouldn’t start, shot his car. Twice. Both shots went through the windshield and hit the dashboard. 
[Read more…] about You Can’t Beat A Dead Horse…
French Toast
B-sides, outtakes and unreleased material. Sometimes stuff doesn’t make it into an movie or an album. The same thing happens with blogs for whatever reason. I was piddling around tonight and discovered some material that was started and never made it into a blog post. This particular one was from a series I was doing on the history of breakfast. As you will read, it was heavily researched and 100% factual. So without further adieu (’cause we don’t go for that sort of thing), here is a Carry On Citizens Outtake on French Toast. [Read more…] about French Toast
Tweetup Tales (Part 1)
One day, an enterprising young man decided to host a tweetup. He walked proudly into his kitchen and announced to his wife, “I’m going to host a tweetup!”
“What’s a tweetup?” asked his wife.
“It’s a social event, where people mix and mingle and tweet for hours. And, they share a hashtag,” he answered.
“Umm, you’re married now. The only person you’re sharing a hashtag with is me.” [Read more…] about Tweetup Tales (Part 1)
Plank You Very Much
When I was in college (for nearly a decade), being photographed face down in public usually was associated with some sort of consumption. Leave it to Taiwanese college girls to turn it into some sort of artistic “cause” driven activity! Is nothing beyond the reach of political correctness?
Anyway, “planking” as it is known in Taiwan, China, and Australia is becoming quite popular. Apparently you just lie face down and get your picture taken. This is somehow viewed as artistic and deep and brings awareness to a variety of serious world issues such as pet overpopulation, climate change, and fears of another Twilight movie.
Yet, being the civic minded chap that I am, I began to think about how I could use planking to call attention to the serious issues here in Indianapolis. For starters, I could plank in front of Conseco Fieldhouse to draw attention to the fact that the Pacers haven’t been relevant since Reggie Miller retired. Or, I could plank on Monument Circle, and call attention to the fact that there isn’t one statue of Jim Gaffigan anywhere in this state!
According to Reuters, one of the Taiwanese plankers said, “It’s not really that difficult to plank and I really don’t mind getting dirty.” Have we fallen this far? I mean let’s face it, Americans get a lot of grief for being couch potatoes, but at least we still have the gumption to get out into the streets with signs and march for heaven’s sake! Protesting by lying face down on the ground? That’s the ultimate slacktivism!
Carry on, Citizens!
Trojans, Titles, and Artichokes
Nature (and apparently college football) abhors a vaccum. And a vaccum is exactly what the BCS Committee created yesterday when they vacated USC’s 2004 Championship. However, being the civic minded person that I am, I’ve declared a new BCS Champion for 2004. Somebody beat Oklahoma, right?
It all started nearly a decade ago when the USC Trojans decided that the best way to win championships was to look the other way when agents, boosters, and the Russian mafia* would hang out with their players. “Free cars, houses, gold plated Pez dispensers? We didn’t see ANY of that,” was what the coaching staff would routinely say. Well, somebody saw lots of that and the program was put on probation by the NCAA.
Not that they did it right away, mind you. This case has been going on Reggie Bush’s entire professional career! But, the BCS finally got around to taking away their 2004 title. And that means, we need a new champion!
So, without further adieu, unless you like that sort of thing, I will name the Carry On, Citizens 2004 BCS Champions: The Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes! Why the Fighting Artichokes, you ask? Well, for starters, can you think of a more ridiculously unique mascot in all of college athletics? Secondly,there isn’t anything more ridiculous than having no champion, so why not name a school that isn’t even in Division 1 (or the Bowl Championship Division as they keep trying to get us to call it).
Finally, Oklahoma lost. And I’m sure they wouldn’t want to be handed the title without earning it. And the same goes for every other school in the NCAA. That’s why letting me name a new champion makes total sense (to me anyway). Now, there have been other NCAA championships vacated in the past. And I’ve decided to name the winners in those years/sports too. So if your oft overlooked community or junior college would like a Carry On, Citizens National Championship, drop me a note or post a comment below. We might even send you a trophy!
Carry on, Citizens!